Dating Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

Dating a person with a dismissive avoidant attachment can be undoubtedly difficult.

For example, let’s assume you just have started dating someone new: the dates are inviting, the text responses are quick, and the conversations are exciting. You have even started to allow yourself to envisage “What if?” with this individual when unexpectedly, you have a hunch that something isn’t satisfactory.

Certainly, they start to come up with delicate excuses to withdraw dates, and their texts are short, incurious responses. After what may have felt like an enchanting early bond, you now feel nervous, disoriented, wanting other people’s attention.

If these things sound known, there are high chance that you are dating someone with an avoidant attachment style.

Also Read: Dating Pool In the 21st Century

Unique Style Of Attachment

Everyone has a way of affection that decides the person’s behavior in a relationship. The avoidant attachment style is described by a remarkable fear of closeness. For this purpose, avoidant attachers generally choose to avoid situations in which they are expected to be thin-skinned and vulnerable.

It’s not like they don’t want loving affairs – It is just that they feel unsafe being vulnerable, they find it difficult to give themselves to love. To make sure that they will not be abandoned, and to achieve that they create strict emotional and physical boundaries. What’s more, they’re likely to be pulling away from a relationship when these boundaries are crossed.

This defensive arrangement is calculated to shut down their intrinsic desire for love and affection, which makes it hard for a romantic partner to apprehend how to provide love and care to someone with an avoidant attachment style in a way they need.

In spite of avoidant attachers’ resistance to intimacy, they can develop safer actions in relationships with understanding, effort, and consistency.

4 Ways To Know If You Are Dating a person with a dismissive avoidant attachment

Emotionally Unavailable

People with avoidant attachment styles do not express emotions very often. Their personality is usually centered around their achievement, possessions, or activities, rather than the cathartic experiences they seek with a partner.

Also, as self-disclosure may feel too vulnerable, they do not reveal very much about themselves. Most of the time they share only formal details related to them.

What They Are Searching For

When asked about their relationship goals, such as marriage, long/short term relationship, or “Casual dating.” People with this attachment style are more likely to give vague answers like: “Not sure,” “Just looking,” “Short term,” “Casual stuff” etc.

Of course, only some people who use such terms are avoidantly attached. People new to dating or someone who has ended a long-term relationship can also use such terms. That can indicate a healthy attitude of wanting to take things slowly. 

The difference is that people with an avoidant attachment style do not prefer relationships this way because of some recent events but because of the long-term hostile environment.

Their tone

Demands of avoidantly attached persons often read like a shopping list. They may use the  essential “must” to portray what a partner should be like, such as “must look good” or “must respect me.” Certainly, many people want a partner with similar interests. Doing so is not a signal of avoidant attachment style.

The difference is the quantity. Avoidant attachers may list tens or more requirements in a partner, this reduces the chances of them getting their ideal partner and coming into a relationship.

They may also use naive terms like “no drama” or “no emotional dunnage” which may tell an impractical perspective of relationships, presuming that some personal issues and disagreements are inevitable in a relationship

Their availability

People with avoidant attachment styles may expect their partner to suitably fit into their existing life structure, with little enthusiasm on the avoidant person’s part to fit in with another. They may say, “I have worked hard all my adult life and now I am looking for a relationship.” While this can display a grave re-arrangement of the plan, this shows that a person with such an attachment style can change plans on a dime.

Additional cues to a person’s way of affection will show themselves once communication starts. Though avoidantly attached individuals longing for intimacy, they are often wary of closeness and proceed gradually, with constant pullbacks. This may exhibit as:

• Late responses to text messages
• Sending vague and short texts
• First engaging in electric conversations then ghosting for several days
• Showing very little interest in progress in interaction
• Never initiate chats, calls, or meetings.

If you are looking for a relationship and see yourself repeatedly attracted to potential partners with avoidant tendencies, then ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you anxiously attached to your partners?
2. Are you abandoning yourself and your boundaries to get close to someone unavailable?

Make feelings safe again.

It may sound easy, however, the reality is far different. Many of us do not even have a clue about primary and secondary emotions. Allow the individual to know how to identify and share them. Often even individuals raised in supportive families avoid sharing emotions as they do not know how to do it. 

Emotions were indicators of weakness; and were depicted as too much, unchancy, cause of fights, and not as necessary as other needs. Hence, they were repressed. It is important to acknowledge that all your and your partner’s emotions are valid, should be expressed, and are not there for no reason. To repress and prevent them only takes energy else better consumed. Also, it is not enough to say that sharing is safe. Be open to all emotions, or else you are just saying it is safe and in reality, it is not.

Conclusion

It is important to create a safe space for them so they can be more honest and open to sharing their emotions. Allow them to open up at their own pace rather than expecting to share everything at once. Also know that, if you push it too much they are likely to pull away, so make sure that the communication is calm and safe.